Everybody's got the fever

I think this blog is quickly becoming a collection of "things no one tells you will happen when you have a baby."  Certainly, there are lots of suprises that come with motherhood.  Some of them are stranger than others.

Like how I can't stop thinking about having a second baby right now.

Wait, what?!?  Girl, you be trippin'.  Just a few months ago I was pretty convinced Julia was going to be an only child.  Fastforward but a mere few weeks and I can't wait to give her a sibling.  I attribute this to the following:

• Hormones.  As my OB likes to say (in his voice that sounds EXACTLY like Cleveland from Family Guy) "It's probably just your hormones."  We like to blame everything on my hormones.  Mood swings.  The blanket of hair covering my floors.  And now my inexplicable baby fever.  Hopefully when my hormones calm down (will they ever?) so will my desire to have another munchkin.

• Julia is so much freaking fun.  I mean seriously, that kid can entertain me for hours while doing absolutely nothing.  She's just too adorable for her own good (and mine).  It's making it really easy to forget how much I hated pregnancy and the newborn stage. 

• We're getting a handle on this "being parents" business.  Jeff and I have a pretty solid routine down already and our lives are still considerably more hectic (he still hasn't taken his licensure exam and I don't graduate until December) than they normally will be.  How hard could one more kid be??  God forbid we take it easy for awhile.  Who wants that?

Thankfully, everytime I feel myself being overtaken with baby desires, my strong logical side takes over and says/screams "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? ARE YOU COMPLETELY CRAZY? YOU HAVE A 5 MONTH OLD.  GET REAL, GIRL." 

I just need to be happy with the bundle of joy I already have and realize that having another baby would really not be great timing.  Maybe we should wait until, oh I don't know...our lives have settled down, we have a more stable living situation, and Julia is just a wee bit older. 

Speaking of which...our baby girl turned 5 months on Sunday.  Crazy how fast the time has gone.  She becomes more loveable every day.  She is on the move, rolling everywhere, and very affectionate.  She likes to stroke your face and coo at you with lovey eyes.  It truly melts  your heart. 

Exloring new ways to use our bouncer.

Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping...

As a new mom, there is nothing you will obsess over more than how much your kid and you are sleeping.  It's probably unhealthy when you consider the amount of time I've spent scrutinizing Julia's sleep habits.  It's hard not to.  When you've been dead tired for 5 months, it's difficult to think about anything else.  It doesn't help that one of the most frequent questions I'm asked is "Is she a good sleeper?"  (Right up there with "Is she a good baby?"  Really people?  How do you want me to answer that question?)  You start to think that the quality and quantity of your baby's sleep is directly correlated with your parenting abilities.  So here are some lessons I've learned about babies and sleep.

1) For your own sanity, quit looking for a pattern.  Oh, you will find them, I assure you.  You'll be excited when you do.  And then BAM.  Pattern changes!  Time to start over.  Or you could just not start in the first place (Disclaimer: I do make sure she at least tries for a nap every 90 minutes throughout the day or else we have a very cranky baby on our hands.)

2)  Baby's sleep changes. A lot.  And frequently.  Julia slept through the night when she was 10 weeks old and I was all "SCORE. MY BABY IS THE FREAKING BOMB."  She did that for all of a month and is now back to getting up several times a night.  From what I understand, there is so much going on with her in her development it's impossible for it to not interrupt her sleep.  Take last night (or this morning I suppose) for example.  We spent an hour going through the cycle of her rolling onto her stomach, crying, me helping her back over and calming her, climbing back in bed, and then juuuuust when I started falling asleep again she'd roll back over.  Fun times, I tell you, fun times.  Plus, I think all that brain cell reproduction is making her hungry all the time (it's tough being so exceptionally intelligent) so she's been eating a lot more recently, which includes bottles in the middle of the night.  Jeff and I split these responsibilities evenly which is very helpful.  I give mad props to moms who breastfeed and have no choice but to get up with their babies.

3) Your value as a parent cannot be measured by when your kid sleeps through the night.  Some babies do it at 3 weeks.  Some do it at 9 months.  It's not you.  It's the baby.  They all have different needs.  I firmly believe you just have to do what is best for your baby.  Now, there are plenty of books and blogs about methods of sleep training.  By all means, you can go that route.  They have value and they work.  In my opinion though, you can only exercise a certain level of control over an infant.  When they have needs that must be met, they will ensure they are met when they want them to be met.  If my kid is hungry at 4am, so be it.  But that's me.  To each, her own.

Like I said, I've decided not to sleep train.  This typically involves at some level letting your kid cry for a certain period of time.  Not interested.  Julia is doing a great job of teaching herself to sleep so I'm going to let her keep at it in her own way without forcing her to do something she's not ready for.  It's not hurting her to get up in the middle of the night.  It's just making her dad and I very sleepy at work.  But I think there is value in allowing her to find her own way, so I'm willing to do that.

For example, I always rocked her to sleep.  It was my favorite part of the day.  Suddenly in the past week, she doesn't want to be rocked anymore.  I just lay her down in her crib after her bottle and she puts herself to sleep.  On one hand, I'm sad because she doesn't want to fall asleep on me anymore.  Hands down, holding a sleeping baby is the best.  I'll miss that.  But on the other hand, I'm super proud of how independent she is becoming and how she makes her own decisions.

I always want to encourage my daughter to do things in her own way, in her own time, on her own.  Sleeping is no exception.  And just because she's 5 months old doesn't mean she's not capable of thinking for herself.  I respect my daughter and want to give her this opportunity.  Does that mean I might not "sleep through the night" for awhile?  Perhaps.  But I think the end justifies the means. 

"Ok, now how to I get back over?"

Going to work, don't want to go, feeling low down

I realize it's been an eternity since I posted last.  There came a point in my maternity leave when a) Julia suddenly wanted...no demanded...attention all the time and b) I realized I wasn't going to be around much longer to give it to her.  Plus, spring finally arrived and we got out and about at every chance.  So I put everything else aside (actually every thing...you should see the impressive dust bunnies living in my hall) and enjoyed our time together.

I've been back at work for almost 2 months now.  People still ask me "Gee whiz, is it super hard to leave that little peanut?"  Yes...and no.  I didn't cry when I returned to work or feel racked with guilt about leaving my baby to attend to my career.  I jumped right back into work.  I didn't really have a choice in the matter...it was cray-cray when I got back.  It didn't leave a lot of time to ruminate on issues of abandonment.  And Julia is fine...she's cared for by a mixture of family and a nanny I've known for years and she does great. 

Sometimes it is hard.  I work full time and go to grad school part-time.  On Tuesday, I didn't get home until 10:30 and she was, of course, already fast asleep.  Those days, I do shed a tear.  Not out of guilt, but because I miss her so much.  But it has also made me cherish the time I do get to spend with her (and yes, maybe I've become a liiiittle possessive with her but I'm her mom.  I'm allowed).  I just remind myself that I'm doing this to not only provide for my family, but to fulfill myself and my potential.  That makes me happy.  Happy mom, happy family.

So much has changed in the past couple of months.  Julia is...like...a real person now (crazy, huh?).  She "talks" constantly.  She's always on the move.  Some days I really think she's just going to up and walk away.  She seems pretty determined to do so.  She is so full of joy.  People love to come up and say hi to her and she always rewards them with a big, gummy smile.  Her belly laugh is the most wonderful sound in the world.  She thinks she's the next Greg Louganis the way she kicks in the tub.  I'm constantly tempted to nibble at her rolly-polly legs and arms and I spend 90% of the day kissing her cheeks.  She's just the most incredible thing.  At least 5 times a day I exclaim "Oh my god you are just so damn CUTE!" because I can't even handle her.

Other than some sleep regression due to some major developmental changes, we're pretty much out of the woods as far as cranky-baby days are concerned.  She is just a happy, smiley, giggly little lady.  We are so in love with her.

I CAN'T EVEN.  I mean...really.  Look at her.

Cheesin'!

I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all I want to say.

I can say, confidently, that I am in love with my daughter.

Now, you may be asking yourself: isn't she 6 weeks old?  You are just discovering this now?

Kind of.

It's like the classic high school quote, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."  I have loved my daughter from the moment I laid eyes on her.  She's mine.  She formed inside me for 9 months and I am her momma.  There's no denying that.  But I wouldn't necessarily say I was all mushy about my love for her.

But I'm going to be honest about this because I feel like not a lot of people are--it's tough (at least it was for me) to be in love with a newborn.  I know people say "Oh!  I'm so in love!" when their kids are born but I'm convinced this is an exaggeration and only said because that's what you are supposed to say about babies.

Newborns are really not a great time.  They are confusing as all hell.  They have one cry and you have no idea what it means.  Are you hungry?  Lonely? Wet? Tired?  What, kid?  Give me a hint.  They consume all of your time, especially if you breastfeed.  And you would think, ah...all this bonding time with my little love bug.  Not really (again, in my experience).  Newborns don't really reciprocate much...at all.  They can't even focus on you.  They literally eat. sleep. poop. repeat.  You are just this thing that give them food and comfort.  And they'll take that from anyone offering, not just you.  Also, it's not easy to love anyone or anything when the longest stretch of sleep you've had in a month is 2 hours (and you feel like you've accomplished something to say that).

But something dramatic changed in Julia in the last week and it has been the most fantastic thing to experience.  She became a person overnight it seems.  She just formed this little personality all her own.  I felt a little like she has just started really noticing me for the first time.  And she likes me!  She really likes me!  This has presented some challenges because she doesn't seem to like anyone else suddenly (including my husband sometimes...that I feel bad about).  And even though it's next to impossible to hand her off to someone else, I suddenly don't mind.  Because there is something selfishly awesome about your baby screaming until she's in her arms and suddenly she's completely at peace.  You know she knows she's with her mom.  That's special.

She is also SMILING!  On purpose, too, not just because she's about to fill up her diaper.  The best is when I lean into her when she wakes up to kiss her chunky cheeks and she shoots me a real bright one. I just die.  We also started chatting a lot. By that I mean I talk to her and she kind of coos back or just smiles and kicks her legs.  She gets me.  And I am starting to get her.  I can distinguish between her "I need you to pick me up now" cry from her "If I don't get a bottle right now I might die" cry.  I feel like #1 mom when I can say "I think she needs to be picked up" and I'm right!  I'm like the freaking baby whisperer or something.

I also love that she loves music.  Good music.  This above anything else tells me this is my kid.  So far her favorites seem to be the Beatles (obviously my child) and The Shins.  That's sort of cool because I was listening to Port of Morrow when she was born so there's a nice little connection.

Life in general seems more sunny because...well...it's been sunnier.  This whole weekend was pretty nice so we took two walks each day including in the stroller for the first time which she didn't completely hate.  It's been great to get out of the house.  It's not supposed to be 70 like it was today (pure and total bliss) anytime soon but it should stay above 40 which is my personal requirement to take her outside.  And we shall do just that.

All in all, I think we are both doing great.  I'm really loving my time spent with my little girl. But look at her...how could I not?

Can't get enough of this

Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head...

I'm officially bored out of my mind.  I couldn't wait for maternity leave.  Granted, I was the size of a whale and in constant pain while working full time and going to school part-time, so those last couple of months were kind of tough.

I didn't really think through the fact that my maternity leave was taking place in the dead of winter. And this winter sucks.  I think it has snowed every single day of my leave.  Not ideal for taking a newborn out.  I'm so tired of my apartment.  I feel like Julia gets no stimulation, which is unfortunate since she spends more time awake and alert now.  It's basically dancing around my bedroom and the bouncer for her.

I thought--Hey!  March!  Warm weather must be right around the corner, right?  False.  We had our biggest snow storm yet today.  Ugh.  I'm actually excited for this weekend because the highs are in the 40s.  That speaks for itself.

Spending days on end inside a 2 bedroom apartment with no one to talk to except a 6 week old is enough to drive anyone crazy.  I'm trying to distract myself by focusing on losing the rest of my pregnancy weight.  I still have about 10 pounds to go.  Tomorrow is my 6 week check-up with my OB.  Hopefully I'll be cleared for exercise.  Once that happens, I'm going to start training for a 5k in the spring so I have a goal to meet.  I already started eating like I was before I got pregnant which actually feels good.  I was getting tired of eating like crap.  I'm finding time to cook again which is helping and also giving me something else to do.

In other news...Julia is 6 weeks old!  I've started to see hints of "social smiles."  I love when she coos.  It's the sweetest little sound.  She's getting better at sleeping.  She can go 5-6 hours before waking up.  That's definitely helping Jeff and I keep our sanity a little better.  She's been extra snuggly the last few days which I both love and hate.  I don't get anything done until Jeff gets home, but I love cuddling up with her and taking a nap.  4 times a day.  But cherish it, right?  So that's totally acceptable...

6 weeks old.  Her cheeks and chins get larger each week.

We're on our way home

This weekend, we took our first road trip up to my hometown.  It's only 2 hours away so it was great practice.  Julia hadn't met any of my extended family members, so I wanted to get her up there before she got too big.

Getting ready to go.  Thought this onesie was appropriate for the occasion :-)

Pre-mommy life, I was a very light packer.  It takes me about 10 minutes to pack for a trip.  Getting ready for a two day trip with an infant on the other hand was ridiculous.  The car was packed completely full.  We made sure we fit her monkey bouncer in there since that's her current favorite thing in the world.  Babies have too much stuff.

I was a little afraid of the car ride.  I sat in the back in case she decided to flip her shiz, but she was surprisingly chill for most of the ride.  We had to stop once to give her a bottle, but she fell back asleep pretty quickly.  I'm so glad this kid sleeps in the car (as long as it's moving steadily).  

Sleeping peacefully

The weekend was a whirlwind.  My dad has 7 brothers and sisters which produced 22 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren (2 more on the way).  Julia got to meet a decent amount of people, but we still have a lot more to go.  I really just wanted her to meet my grandma more than anyone.  She's been asking me since before Jeff and I were married when we were going to have kids (scandalous).  

Me, grandma, dad and Julia.  4 generations.

My little sister also made the trip up for the weekend which was great.  She lives in the eastern part of the state and I miss her constantly.  It was a 6 hour drive for her just to spend less than 48 hours in town, but I'm so glad she made the trip.  She hasn't seen Julia since she was born and my baby needs to know her Auntie Noelle :-)

I think the weekend was a little much for the little peanut.  She got passed around a lot and was pretty pooped.  I really didn't hold her for 2 days!  I honestly don't mind too much.  I'm happy she is so loved. And my mom even got up with her on Saturday night so Jeff and I slept.  God, I love that woman (in case I haven't said it enough).

Coming home wasn't as successful as our trip there.  She kept waking up (probably because she had a dirty diaper most of the way...whoops).  I think it might be awhile before we can go places with her and I can ride in the front.  Feels a little ridiculous, but it's a lot better than listening to a screaming baby for hours.  Hopefully she'll grow out of that before our longer summer trips!

As a side note, we are officially past the first month!  A lot of people say it gets better after 6-8 weeks, so I'm excited to get past that point.  Happy one month, Julia!  Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Can't buy me love

But you can buy a lot of great stuff to make your life as a mom much easier (Ok, I know that was a stretch, but it's hard coming up with song titles for all these posts).

So here are the Top 10 Things I couldn't live without at the moment:

1) Vibrating Bouncer: I got an adorable monkey bouncer (Julia has all things monkey) from Fisher Price that vibrates and has lights and music.  Does she care about the lights and music yet?  Probably not.  But she will sit in it--and SLEEP in it--and mommy can get things done.  Score.

2) Moby Wrap:  I feel wonderfully hippy-ish when I wear my baby in the Moby Wrap and she loves it.  It keeps her really close to me and it's surprisingly supportive. Only downsides are it's kind of a pain in the ass to put on (correctly), I probably won't be strong enough to wear her for very long, and we both sweat a ton between our shared body heat and all that fabric.  But still worth it.  I can wear it around the house while I do chores and such.

3) Medela Pump:  As I've made plainly clear, I hate breastfeeding.  I'm pretty sure Julia isn't a huge fan either.  She really, REALLY loves bottles.  So I've been pumping and giving her bottles of expressed breast milk.  She gets all the benefits and we both avoid the stress of nursing.  I'm lucky enough that my insurance covered the pump since I'll be returning to work full-time in April.  The bottles that come with Medela pumps are awesome, too!  Julia loves them.

4) Cloud B Sleep Sheep:  This thing is adorable and plays 4 different white noises (heartbeat, waves, rain, and randomly whales).  It really helps Julia to fall into a deep sleep.

5) SwaddleMe organic cotton swaddle blankets:  I seriously could not live without these!  They velcro so they don't fall apart like blankets.  I like the organic cotton because they give a little more than the regular cotton ones and the weight is perfect.  She doesn't get overheated.  The swaddle holds her arms in so she can't wake herself up.

6) "Happiest Baby on the Block:"  This book has saved me.  I use the 5 S's (swaddle, side/stomach, swing, shush, suck) whenever Julia gets really worked up into one of her epic cries.  The technique really soothes her quickly.

7) Red Wine: Ok, this has nothing to do with baby.  Well maybe it does.  But more to do with the fact that I was denied wine for 9 months (well, I had a few glasses, but that didn't even touch what I wanted).  That's another plus of pumping...I pump after dinner then immediately have a glass of wine.  And I know it's out of my system before I pump again.  Not so easy to do when you are breastfeeding.

8) Mommy message boards:  This one surprises me.  I started reading and contributing to my birth month board on The Bump when I found out I was pregnant and I'm so glad I did.  It's a great way to communicate with other moms.  I learned so much from the second time moms on the board that I probably would not have otherwise (like what items aren't safe, how to increase your milk supply, what pregnancy symptoms are normal, etc.).  Several nurses and doctors at the hospital asked me if this was my first baby because I knew so much.  So thanks, ladies!

9) Fisher Price Rock n Play: All moms need these.  Babies love sleeping in them.  We use ours for naps  but I have used it at night when she slept in our room  (only happened once).  Every mom I asked what they couldn't live without came up with this thing.  They were right.

10) First Years Nursery Bottle Warmer: This thing is a life saver in the middle of the night.  I can warm up the bottles while I change her and have a perfectly warm bottle when we're ready to eat.  It has a cooler compartment in the back so I can store the bottles I need for her midnight and 3am feedings right there in her nursery.  No running to the kitchen while baby is crying.

Chilling in our new favorite toy

It's getting better all the time

I can't believe Julia is 3 weeks old today.  In general, it seems like life as a new mom is improving slowly but surely.  It surely doesn't hurt that I haven't been without help since last Monday.  My mom seriously saved me.  She's amazing with Julia (though this shouldn't be surprising, she did raise 4 kids).  She lets us sleep through the night and Jeff and I even went out on a date on Friday night.  It's kind of funny--my daughter is relying on me for everything right now.  What else do you expect from a newborn?  And then there's me--at 28--and I have never needed my mom more in my life.  Part of me does feel like a little kid again.  I need her to reassure me everything is going to be ok and show me what I need to do when I am completely unsure of myself.  Like I said--she saved me.

There are definitely still times (even with all this help) when I feel totally overwhelmed.  Usually when I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep.  It seems to hit me around dinner time.  All that tiredness hits me at once.  Unfortunately, this synchs up with Julia's time when she seems to get overwhelmed.  And then decides to scream.  For a good 2-3 hours.  I'm dreading this is colic.  We go to the pediatrician for her one month wellness check in a week (insane) so I plan on discussing it with them.

People always say to cherish this time because it moves so fast.  Even though some days (mostly nights) seem to crawl by and never end, in general this is pretty true.  She's changing so rapidly.  She's starting to find her hands.  I kind of wish she'd learn to suck her fingers so I wouldn't have to shove the pacifier in her mouth constantly.  But the best part is when she holds onto my finger and falls asleep.  She can lift her head pretty well.  And she's MUCH more awake, which has it's pros and cons.  Best pro--just staring into her eyes for awhile and talking to her.  Biggest con--when she decides to be that wide away at 3am.

Like I said, in general, we're on the up and up.  Best of all, with the help and support of of my family and friends, I've been able to enjoy these precious moments with my baby more.

Right now, I'm enjoying having both hands free while Julia naps in her Rock n' Play (love that thing).  I thought I'd have all this time to update this blog but right now I'm shooting for once a week.  I'm highly anticipating the arrival of my mom again in about an hour.  We've been having Downton Abbey marathons...and now we're both totally obsessed.  Plus we'll have a home-cooked dinner tonight (better than the frozen pizza last night).  And I'll be able to catch up on some sleep.

Did I say my mom saved me?

In my hour of darkness there is still a light that shines on me

I seem to have a knack for speaking too soon when it comes to this blog.  The last entry was about breastfeeding and how I was finding it difficult (though manageable).  That went to a whole different level entirely since then.

It started last week.  Little Julia just seemed to want to eat, eat, eat.  I'm talking every 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  All day long.  Sometimes we would get slightly longer stretches at night.  She would eat for 45-60 minutes at each feeding, which means I'd get a 30 minute break at most, which I spent struggling to get her to go down for a nap or go to sleep or just be on her own period so I could, you know, pee once in a blue moon.  I wasn't sleeping at all.  I felt (and certainly looked) like a zombie.

Then things really took a turn for the worse.  In addition to the constant feeding, she started just crying all the time, like she was starving or something.  I kept thinking it had to be impossible because she literally just ate.  And how the hell could I still have anything left to give her?  But people keep telling me it's just a growth spurt, it will pass in a couple days, this is just what newborns do.  Just feed on demand, your body will keep up!

Well, last a couple days it did.  In that time I basically got zero sleep, I started not eating--both from lack of time and lack of interest.  I completely lost my appetite.  8 hours could go by and I'd realize I hadn't eaten since breakfast.  I also started crying.  A lot.  I mean, all the time.  Mostly when I was breastfeeding and certainly afterwards while I held a screaming infant who would be put down and I had just basically nursed for 6 straight hours.  To top it all off, I noticed my one breast was red, hot, and very painful.  Great.  That was probably an infection.

I called my doctor and they got me in right away.  As soon as my OB asked me how I had been feeling, I burst into tears.  Awful.  What triggers it, he asked?  Everything.  The swollen breast quickly became a secondary issue (it's just a clogged milk duct, no biggie) and he took me into his office to talk about how I was feeling.

I admitted for the first time to someone else a lot of what I had been feeling the past week or so.  I hate breastfeeding.  I dread it to the point that I start to cry just thinking about doing it.  And then I cry more afterwards because my daughter doesn't even seem satisfied.  I feel so inadequate and guilty.  I don't feel any joy.  That more than anything told me something was majorly wrong.  How could you look at this perfect, beautiful little baby you created and just feel so sad?

He put me on some stuff for the anxiety and told me I needed to get some extra help at home.  And ordered me to sleep.  And then he told me something no one else had said yet.  He said "Amanda, I know everyone is telling you to breastfeed and that it's what's best for your baby.  But if this doesn't change, it's not what's best for you.  And you need to look into other options."

I called my mom after the appointment and basically begged her to come stay.  She also suffered from "the blues" with my oldest sister and I knew she could help.  The first thing she suggested was to give Julia some formula last night.  I really didn't want to--I was still holding out for that exclusively breastfed baby.  But when it was 10pm and we still had a screaming baby and a weeping mom, I caved and gave her formula.

And Jeff and I slept for five. straight. hours.

I felt somewhat better this morning.  My mom showed up around 11, took the baby and has been watching her ever since.  I showered, dried my hair, went for a walk, and got coffee outside of my house.  She's still encouraging me to breastfeed and I have 3 times today.  When Julia is still fussy, we give her some pumped breast milk.  And tonight, we're going to give her formula again and see how it goes.  And my mom is going to do the night feedings so Jeff and I can sleep through the night.

This is pretty long and rambling but I have so much going on in my brain right now.  I was so determined to breastfeed and thought I wouldn't have problems like other people.  I took the classes, read the books, watched videos--the whole 9 yards.  But this isn't something you can learn from a book.  And you know what?  I do hate it.  I don't feel that closeness people describe with my baby when I breastfeed.  I feel awful.  And I'm not healthy or happy and I'm pretty sure she can sense that as well.

I do feel like I need to admit how wrong I was.  I judged moms who gave up on breastfeeding.  It's not as simple as just having a bad latch.  It's freaking hard to do.  And it's basically all you do.  And you feel exhausted and sore and in my case very ill, both in my mind and body.

I'm about thisclose to quitting.  Part of me keeps saying "just one more week, see if things change."  Another part of me is saying "Screw this.  Use that fancy pump the hospital gave you and feed her bottles.  She likes them better anyways."

We'll see what happens.  I've learned my lesson about pretending like I have hard and fast conclusions on how I will parent this child.  A few weeks ago I had all the confidence in the world about breastfeeding and bragged about how I never cried once during my pregnancy.  Well, here we are 2 weeks post-partum and my, how things change.

All I do know is that I am truly blessed with a loving family and husband who support me.  My mom and oldest sister have devised a way to make sure I'm not alone for the next week at least to see if I'm feeling better.  Jeff has been phenomenal, although I feel terrible since I'm basically useless other than to feed this kid.  He's done all the housework, shopping, and is working on top of that.  And trying to take care of me and give me a break with the baby.  In short, he's incredible.  Jeff has always been an amazing partner but I love and appreciate him even more seeing how he is stepping up to care for his family.

And I am blessed with this baby.  I hate that I have to remind myself of that, but I do love my daughter. She is a perfect, healthy, thriving baby.  Yes, she cries and fusses and it drives me crazy that I don't know how to help her.  But she's just a baby.  And I'm hoping I can clear my head a little and focus on how much God has blessed me with this beautiful little girl.

I just have to have faith in what everyone keeps telling me--it does get better.  She'll even out and I'll even out and we'll find some normalcy eventually.  I just have to stay strong in the meantime.

Lady Madonna, baby at your breast

From the time I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed.  Obviously everyone knows "breast is best" and the health profession is always touting the many benefits of breastfeeding for both moms and babies.  Plus, formula honestly freaks me out.  To think of a child surviving on nothing but powder mixed with water doesn't seem right to me.  I'm not knocking moms who formula feed, but I knew it wasn't the choice for me.

I was surprised at how many women were surprised with my decision to breastfeed.  I heard a lot of not so encouraging feedback. "It's so hard."  "It was too painful, I had to stop."  "My baby just would take to the breast."  These statements were quickly followed with a "But good for you!" and a encouraging but concerned smile.

All this was balanced out by all our doctors, lactation consultants, and birthing class instructors who said breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world.  All babies come out of the womb with the tools to be successfully breastfed.  Moms who struggle just have latch problems.  They just weren't doing it right.

That seemed a little unfair to me, too.  I seriously doubted it was as easy-breezy as they were making it sound, especially when breastfeeding mothers are always talking about things like having to supplement, using nipple shields, pumping, and keeping a stock of lanolin for cracked and bloody nipples.

Now that I officially joined the club, I can see both sides for myself.  Breastfeeding is tough work.  Not only is your baby learning how to do it, but you are learning, too.  As a mom, I feel so unsure of myself, which probably comes across in my awkwardness when trying to feed my daughter (poor kid).  And, yea, you better believe I'm sore.  It's not just my nipples.  My entire chest is exhausted from being drained constantly day and night.

That was probably the biggest surprise that no one seemed to mention.  Breastfeeding is a HUGE time commitment.  It's literally taken up about 80% of my waking hours for the past week.  Newborns eat about every 2-3 hours and each feeding can take around an hour in and of itself.  If your baby feeds 10-12 times a day...you do the math.  Now you know why moms don't sleep.

There have been plenty of times I've wanted to quit.  At least once a day I think "I can't possibly keep this up any longer."  And there is probably at least one time every night when I've just fed for nearly an hour and my daughter is still not satisfied.  In that moment, when I'm so exhausted mentally and physically, I just want to cry.  It's definitely testing my patience and endurance, two things that are in short supply in my temperament.

At the same time, I've already seen how essential breast milk is to my daughters development.  At her first pediatric visit, she was down 12% from her birthweight due to my milk being delayed in coming in.  I had to supplement and pump for a day.  I cried and cried, thinking my body wasn't built to sustain another human being's life and that it was my fault that my baby was "failing to thrive."  But then everything turned around.  My supply came in and was feeding constantly, playing catch up I imagine.  Just two days after that appointment, she was up 8 oz.  Today, she was back up to her very healthy birthweight of 8 lbs. 6 oz.  She's had zero health related problems.

In the end, I guess you can say I have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding.  I feel like it's all give-give-give on my end.  I feel like a cow being milked morning, noon, and night.  But I would also give everything for my daughter and this is the greatest gift I could possibly give her right now.

So I sing a song of love for Julia

Julia's Birth Story

Well, I can eat my words.  After posting here last time, I got ready for bed and opened up my book hoping to get some shut eye before the big day.  About 30 minutes later--pop!  My water broke.  All on it's own.  I guess Julia had some other plans and was just faking us out.  I called the doctor and he told us to head in to the hospital.  At that point, I felt pretty good.  The contractions hadn't started so I showered, did my hair and make-up and straightened up the house.

And then the contractions started coming.  But not where they said I'd feel them.  Right in my lower back.  I could barely sit down.  The hour I was in triage waiting for our labor and delivery room I just squirmed on the bed.  This worried me a lot as I knew back labor was a sign of a posterior position (face up).  The triage doctor confirmed my water had broken and I was 3.5 centimeters dilated, so they took us to our room.

Now, when we were going to birth classes and writing our birth plan, I really wanted to get pretty far in my labor before getting any drugs.  I imagined myself using the birthing ball, walking the hallways, even laboring in the bath.  Well friends, plans change.  I asked for the anesthesiologist as soon as we got to our room.  I could not take those contractions in my back.

Ahhhh--epidurals.  What a wonderful thing.  It was instant relief.  Once I had it, I was able to relax.  It was about 2am at that point so Jeff and I decided to sleep.  The next 6 hours I drifted in and out of sleep between getting checked.  I was progressing pretty well with just a foley balloon, so they didn't start pitocin, much to my relief.  I was surprised at how not crazy laboring was.  Probably because I had the epidural.  I kind of felt like I was cheating.  I just laid there and my body did the rest.  And I was totally ok with that.

My doctor came in at 8am and said he thought she'd be there by noon.  My contractions were coming about every 3 minutes and I was about 7 centimeters dilated.  I started mentally preparing myself to meet my daughter.

But, once again, she had other plans.  Not much changed in the next few hours.  My progression stalled out a bit so they decided to start the pitocin.  And even with the epidural, I could tell that stuff wasn't messing around.  Due to some issues with baby's heart rate, I couldn't labor on my left side so the medicine wasn't reaching that side of my body and MAN did I feel those contractions in my back.

Doctor came in again probably around 1:00 and checked how things were going.  I was fully dilated and he thought I should be ready to push soon, though I didn't have any urge to.  Then he said "Hmm" and frowned as he felt the babies head.  My fears were confirmed--she was sunny side up.  He decided to let me wait a little longer before pushing to see if she would turn.  He also said she seemed quite large--like 9 pounds or bigger large.  And that her head was pretty huge.  Not exactly what you want to hear right before you begin pushing.

At 2:00, the doctor came in suddenly, threw the lights on and said "Ok, we're going to start pushing now."  Wait, what?!  Just like that, you just get to decide?  I had essentially been chilling all day and night enjoying my drugs and now you tell me I have to do all this work with no warning?  In the words of Stephanie Tanner: How rude.

He left me, Jeff, and our nurse Sam (who I was absolutely in love with) to begin.  At first, I was thinking "This isn't so bad, I can do this."  Just a few big pushes every couple of minutes.  Those feelings changed pretty quickly after about 30 minutes of this and feeling like I was getting nowhere.  The occasional comments of "Wow, that is going to be a big head" didn't help, either.

Around 3:00, my doctor came back and meant business.  He wanted her out pronto.  I had about 6 people around me coaching me and telling me "Just a little bit harder" "Hold that!"  "There you go, Amanda!"  Plenty of times I heard "Ok, this is going to be the last one!"  It was the last one about 7 times.

Finally, at 3:42pm, out she came.  Our beautiful baby girl Julia Rose weighed 8 lbs. 6 oz, was 21 inches long, and had a full head of dark brown hair.  And they were right about that head--14 inches in circumference.  Ouch.

I couldn't believe she was finally here.  She didn't seem real to me.  I carried her for 9 months, felt every kick, push, and hiccup.  And there she was, gripping my finger with her tiny hand and staring up at me.  It was such a perfect moment.  I wanted to stay in that room forever with her and Jeff and never let it end.

The last 6 days have been pretty chaotic between visitors, doctor's appointments, and of course getting to know each other.  We're all pretty tired.  Right now I'm enjoying some rare quiet time, enjoying a cup of coffee while she sleeps.  I've never felt more unsure of myself in my life.  Even though I tried my hardest, being a mom is not something you can learn from a book.  So I'm letting my daughter show me the way.

And so the adventures begin.  Welcome Julia.  You are so loved.

Two of us...standing solo, in the sun.

In the movies, women always go into labor naturally.  Their water breaks, they start getting crazy contractions, they push and scream and act crazy, and then the baby is there.  You don't ever see the movie about the woman whose due date comes and goes without any signs of going into labor and gets induced instead.  I guess that storyline lacks the necessary drama.

In actuality, it happens to a lot of women and I happen to be one of them.  My body just didn't want to go into labor.  For weeks, I've been crossing my fingers for some hopeful sign that my baby would want to join us on the outside.  But it never came.  So instead of spending my due date in the hospital squeezing the crap out of my husband's hand, I spent it discussing what drugs they were going to give me on January 23rd to essentially force my little girl to come out.

I can't say I wasn't disappointed when I heard the news.  Inductions can be scary.  But they have their advantages, especially for control freaks like myself.  Suddenly, I got to plan my own birth experience.  And there is nothing I love more than planning.  I was able to maximize my maternity leave, stock my fridge and clean my house, and made sure everything I could possibly need during and after the birth was at my disposal.  I even had time to bake some cookies for our nursing staff (suck up, whatever) and do my nails.

But the best part of knowing exactly when I would go into labor (between 3am and 7 am tomorrow morning for the record) was planning the day BEFORE my induction.  Jeff doesn't have clinicals on Tuesdays which meant we could spend these last 24 hours before our girl came with each other.  I can't remember the last time I had such a great day with my husband.  To be honest, most of it revolved around food, but that's what we do.  We started the day with strawberry hotcakes from Pamela's, went to the longest last OB appointment ever, visited my boss in the hospital (who just had twins yesterday), had lunch at our favorite Thai restaurant (and a couple glasses of wine...don't mind if I do) and then saw Silver Linings Playbook (highly recommended).  Now we're listening to records and relaxing before attempting to fall asleep somewhat early so we're well rested for the hurricane of activity that tomorrow (and forever after) has in store.

Today was such a gift.  Part of me feels like I should be more jittery or excited for tomorrow, but I feel pretty at peace with it (that will happen when you have 9 months to hash something over in your head).  I am excited for tomorrow.  But I was equally excited to have this day with Jeff.  After being together for nearly 7 years, there is still nothing that brings me more happiness and peace of mind than shutting out the rest of the world and spending a day together.

Tomorrow, we'll be three.  It will never be just the two of us again, which I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around.  We'll be parents.  Forever.  For now, I'll enjoy these last few quiet hours with my best friend and partner.

Just the two of us.

Where I belong I'm right where I belong.

Today is my first day of maternity leave.  I woke up around 8:30 and thought "What am I supposed to do?"  See, I have a little problem taking it easy.  It's just not my style.  I'm used to goinggoinggoing all.the.time.  So the prospect of having to focus on just one thing for the next 12 weeks  seems...odd.  I know that "thing" is going to be a living, breathing baby who will rely on me for everything, but I still anticipate needing some distractions from being a full time mommy.  Writing has always been my chosen method of clearing the mind.  Hopefully this blog will help keep me sane while I figure out this next step in my life.

The last couple of years have been, for lack of a better word, freaking crazy.  I married my husband Jeff in October 2009.  We spent one blissful year just working and enjoying each other's company.  We lived in our tiny one bedroom apartment in Pittsburgh, hung out with our friends, and basically didn't have much to do other than kick back and enjoy life.

That didn't last long.

Jeff decided to return to school in 2010.  He always wanted to go into Physical Therapy but somehow ended up in higher education financial aid.  I was so proud of him when he made the choice to take some action and totally change his career path.  He enrolled in a Physical Therapy Assistance position in the fall of 2010, going to school part-time and working part-time.

Jeff's decision made me start thinking.  I was getting too comfortable with my life.  In college, I did about a million things and while it was exhausting, I always felt fulfilled because I did things I loved.  While my life since graduating in 2006 was pretty comfortable, I felt like I was going nowhere.  I needed to change that.

I started by joining a weight loss program offered through the university I work for.  I lost 30 pounds and gained control over my life.  I didn't realize how much my lack of confidence due to body image was holding me back.  I felt powerful--like I could do anything I set my mind to.  So I turned my mind to my career.

I've been working for the same non-profit organization since I was 19.  I love my job.  I realize I'm extremely blessed to be able to say that.  My job inspires and empowers me.  But I was just going through the motions.  I wanted to push myself forward.  So I decided to go back to school, too.  I enrolled in a graduate program for public administration in January 2012.

And then life got really nuts.

With both Jeff and I in school and working, we barely saw each other.  We were going full speed all last spring.  On top of that, we decided to move from our miniature apartment to something a little spacier in a quieter part of town.  We made it through that spring semester and started packing up our things when I realized I had "missed" something quite important to any young lady in April.

I was pregnant.

Our lives were turned on the head immediately.  This was not in our plan!  We were going to graduate, buy a house, and THEN we would have kids.  This was all backwards!  We just moved into a 2 bedroom apartment, we were both very much still in school, and Jeff was planning on completely quitting his job to go to school full-time in order to graduate in May.  I had just started school.  This was just all wrong.

But after a lot of freaking out and "what the hell are we going to do!?!" moments, we decided--we'll just do it all.  Jeff will go to school full-time.  I will work full-time and take my graduate classes at night. And we will become a family of three.

I can't even begin to describe how challenging the past 9 months have been.  We are tested on a daily basis.  But thankfully, Jeff and I have an extremely solid marriage and we've supported each other through each step.  I'm not sure I would have made it without him.  We also are surrounded by supported and loving friends and families.  We are truly blessed.

And about to be blessed even more.  I'm scheduled to be induced in the wee hours of the morning on Wednesday.  Maybe that's why I'm feeling so reflective right now and encouraged to write this down.  What I'm feeling at this very moment is pretty surreal.  I have 48 hours left of life as I know it.

And then it will all change.

I'm feeling excited, impatient, and anxious to meet my daughter.  And I'm obviously feeling very nervous.  Not just about being a mom, but about me, too.  Who am I going to be after Wednesday?  This child will completely redefine me.  Again.

I wanted my life to challenge me.

I got my wish.

Bring it on.