Going to work, don't want to go, feeling low down

I realize it's been an eternity since I posted last.  There came a point in my maternity leave when a) Julia suddenly wanted...no demanded...attention all the time and b) I realized I wasn't going to be around much longer to give it to her.  Plus, spring finally arrived and we got out and about at every chance.  So I put everything else aside (actually every thing...you should see the impressive dust bunnies living in my hall) and enjoyed our time together.

I've been back at work for almost 2 months now.  People still ask me "Gee whiz, is it super hard to leave that little peanut?"  Yes...and no.  I didn't cry when I returned to work or feel racked with guilt about leaving my baby to attend to my career.  I jumped right back into work.  I didn't really have a choice in the matter...it was cray-cray when I got back.  It didn't leave a lot of time to ruminate on issues of abandonment.  And Julia is fine...she's cared for by a mixture of family and a nanny I've known for years and she does great. 

Sometimes it is hard.  I work full time and go to grad school part-time.  On Tuesday, I didn't get home until 10:30 and she was, of course, already fast asleep.  Those days, I do shed a tear.  Not out of guilt, but because I miss her so much.  But it has also made me cherish the time I do get to spend with her (and yes, maybe I've become a liiiittle possessive with her but I'm her mom.  I'm allowed).  I just remind myself that I'm doing this to not only provide for my family, but to fulfill myself and my potential.  That makes me happy.  Happy mom, happy family.

So much has changed in the past couple of months.  Julia is...like...a real person now (crazy, huh?).  She "talks" constantly.  She's always on the move.  Some days I really think she's just going to up and walk away.  She seems pretty determined to do so.  She is so full of joy.  People love to come up and say hi to her and she always rewards them with a big, gummy smile.  Her belly laugh is the most wonderful sound in the world.  She thinks she's the next Greg Louganis the way she kicks in the tub.  I'm constantly tempted to nibble at her rolly-polly legs and arms and I spend 90% of the day kissing her cheeks.  She's just the most incredible thing.  At least 5 times a day I exclaim "Oh my god you are just so damn CUTE!" because I can't even handle her.

Other than some sleep regression due to some major developmental changes, we're pretty much out of the woods as far as cranky-baby days are concerned.  She is just a happy, smiley, giggly little lady.  We are so in love with her.

I CAN'T EVEN.  I mean...really.  Look at her.

Cheesin'!