Everybody's got the fever

I think this blog is quickly becoming a collection of "things no one tells you will happen when you have a baby."  Certainly, there are lots of suprises that come with motherhood.  Some of them are stranger than others.

Like how I can't stop thinking about having a second baby right now.

Wait, what?!?  Girl, you be trippin'.  Just a few months ago I was pretty convinced Julia was going to be an only child.  Fastforward but a mere few weeks and I can't wait to give her a sibling.  I attribute this to the following:

• Hormones.  As my OB likes to say (in his voice that sounds EXACTLY like Cleveland from Family Guy) "It's probably just your hormones."  We like to blame everything on my hormones.  Mood swings.  The blanket of hair covering my floors.  And now my inexplicable baby fever.  Hopefully when my hormones calm down (will they ever?) so will my desire to have another munchkin.

• Julia is so much freaking fun.  I mean seriously, that kid can entertain me for hours while doing absolutely nothing.  She's just too adorable for her own good (and mine).  It's making it really easy to forget how much I hated pregnancy and the newborn stage. 

• We're getting a handle on this "being parents" business.  Jeff and I have a pretty solid routine down already and our lives are still considerably more hectic (he still hasn't taken his licensure exam and I don't graduate until December) than they normally will be.  How hard could one more kid be??  God forbid we take it easy for awhile.  Who wants that?

Thankfully, everytime I feel myself being overtaken with baby desires, my strong logical side takes over and says/screams "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? ARE YOU COMPLETELY CRAZY? YOU HAVE A 5 MONTH OLD.  GET REAL, GIRL." 

I just need to be happy with the bundle of joy I already have and realize that having another baby would really not be great timing.  Maybe we should wait until, oh I don't know...our lives have settled down, we have a more stable living situation, and Julia is just a wee bit older. 

Speaking of which...our baby girl turned 5 months on Sunday.  Crazy how fast the time has gone.  She becomes more loveable every day.  She is on the move, rolling everywhere, and very affectionate.  She likes to stroke your face and coo at you with lovey eyes.  It truly melts  your heart. 

Exloring new ways to use our bouncer.

Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping...

As a new mom, there is nothing you will obsess over more than how much your kid and you are sleeping.  It's probably unhealthy when you consider the amount of time I've spent scrutinizing Julia's sleep habits.  It's hard not to.  When you've been dead tired for 5 months, it's difficult to think about anything else.  It doesn't help that one of the most frequent questions I'm asked is "Is she a good sleeper?"  (Right up there with "Is she a good baby?"  Really people?  How do you want me to answer that question?)  You start to think that the quality and quantity of your baby's sleep is directly correlated with your parenting abilities.  So here are some lessons I've learned about babies and sleep.

1) For your own sanity, quit looking for a pattern.  Oh, you will find them, I assure you.  You'll be excited when you do.  And then BAM.  Pattern changes!  Time to start over.  Or you could just not start in the first place (Disclaimer: I do make sure she at least tries for a nap every 90 minutes throughout the day or else we have a very cranky baby on our hands.)

2)  Baby's sleep changes. A lot.  And frequently.  Julia slept through the night when she was 10 weeks old and I was all "SCORE. MY BABY IS THE FREAKING BOMB."  She did that for all of a month and is now back to getting up several times a night.  From what I understand, there is so much going on with her in her development it's impossible for it to not interrupt her sleep.  Take last night (or this morning I suppose) for example.  We spent an hour going through the cycle of her rolling onto her stomach, crying, me helping her back over and calming her, climbing back in bed, and then juuuuust when I started falling asleep again she'd roll back over.  Fun times, I tell you, fun times.  Plus, I think all that brain cell reproduction is making her hungry all the time (it's tough being so exceptionally intelligent) so she's been eating a lot more recently, which includes bottles in the middle of the night.  Jeff and I split these responsibilities evenly which is very helpful.  I give mad props to moms who breastfeed and have no choice but to get up with their babies.

3) Your value as a parent cannot be measured by when your kid sleeps through the night.  Some babies do it at 3 weeks.  Some do it at 9 months.  It's not you.  It's the baby.  They all have different needs.  I firmly believe you just have to do what is best for your baby.  Now, there are plenty of books and blogs about methods of sleep training.  By all means, you can go that route.  They have value and they work.  In my opinion though, you can only exercise a certain level of control over an infant.  When they have needs that must be met, they will ensure they are met when they want them to be met.  If my kid is hungry at 4am, so be it.  But that's me.  To each, her own.

Like I said, I've decided not to sleep train.  This typically involves at some level letting your kid cry for a certain period of time.  Not interested.  Julia is doing a great job of teaching herself to sleep so I'm going to let her keep at it in her own way without forcing her to do something she's not ready for.  It's not hurting her to get up in the middle of the night.  It's just making her dad and I very sleepy at work.  But I think there is value in allowing her to find her own way, so I'm willing to do that.

For example, I always rocked her to sleep.  It was my favorite part of the day.  Suddenly in the past week, she doesn't want to be rocked anymore.  I just lay her down in her crib after her bottle and she puts herself to sleep.  On one hand, I'm sad because she doesn't want to fall asleep on me anymore.  Hands down, holding a sleeping baby is the best.  I'll miss that.  But on the other hand, I'm super proud of how independent she is becoming and how she makes her own decisions.

I always want to encourage my daughter to do things in her own way, in her own time, on her own.  Sleeping is no exception.  And just because she's 5 months old doesn't mean she's not capable of thinking for herself.  I respect my daughter and want to give her this opportunity.  Does that mean I might not "sleep through the night" for awhile?  Perhaps.  But I think the end justifies the means. 

"Ok, now how to I get back over?"

Going to work, don't want to go, feeling low down

I realize it's been an eternity since I posted last.  There came a point in my maternity leave when a) Julia suddenly wanted...no demanded...attention all the time and b) I realized I wasn't going to be around much longer to give it to her.  Plus, spring finally arrived and we got out and about at every chance.  So I put everything else aside (actually every thing...you should see the impressive dust bunnies living in my hall) and enjoyed our time together.

I've been back at work for almost 2 months now.  People still ask me "Gee whiz, is it super hard to leave that little peanut?"  Yes...and no.  I didn't cry when I returned to work or feel racked with guilt about leaving my baby to attend to my career.  I jumped right back into work.  I didn't really have a choice in the matter...it was cray-cray when I got back.  It didn't leave a lot of time to ruminate on issues of abandonment.  And Julia is fine...she's cared for by a mixture of family and a nanny I've known for years and she does great. 

Sometimes it is hard.  I work full time and go to grad school part-time.  On Tuesday, I didn't get home until 10:30 and she was, of course, already fast asleep.  Those days, I do shed a tear.  Not out of guilt, but because I miss her so much.  But it has also made me cherish the time I do get to spend with her (and yes, maybe I've become a liiiittle possessive with her but I'm her mom.  I'm allowed).  I just remind myself that I'm doing this to not only provide for my family, but to fulfill myself and my potential.  That makes me happy.  Happy mom, happy family.

So much has changed in the past couple of months.  Julia is...like...a real person now (crazy, huh?).  She "talks" constantly.  She's always on the move.  Some days I really think she's just going to up and walk away.  She seems pretty determined to do so.  She is so full of joy.  People love to come up and say hi to her and she always rewards them with a big, gummy smile.  Her belly laugh is the most wonderful sound in the world.  She thinks she's the next Greg Louganis the way she kicks in the tub.  I'm constantly tempted to nibble at her rolly-polly legs and arms and I spend 90% of the day kissing her cheeks.  She's just the most incredible thing.  At least 5 times a day I exclaim "Oh my god you are just so damn CUTE!" because I can't even handle her.

Other than some sleep regression due to some major developmental changes, we're pretty much out of the woods as far as cranky-baby days are concerned.  She is just a happy, smiley, giggly little lady.  We are so in love with her.

I CAN'T EVEN.  I mean...really.  Look at her.

Cheesin'!

I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all I want to say.

I can say, confidently, that I am in love with my daughter.

Now, you may be asking yourself: isn't she 6 weeks old?  You are just discovering this now?

Kind of.

It's like the classic high school quote, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."  I have loved my daughter from the moment I laid eyes on her.  She's mine.  She formed inside me for 9 months and I am her momma.  There's no denying that.  But I wouldn't necessarily say I was all mushy about my love for her.

But I'm going to be honest about this because I feel like not a lot of people are--it's tough (at least it was for me) to be in love with a newborn.  I know people say "Oh!  I'm so in love!" when their kids are born but I'm convinced this is an exaggeration and only said because that's what you are supposed to say about babies.

Newborns are really not a great time.  They are confusing as all hell.  They have one cry and you have no idea what it means.  Are you hungry?  Lonely? Wet? Tired?  What, kid?  Give me a hint.  They consume all of your time, especially if you breastfeed.  And you would think, ah...all this bonding time with my little love bug.  Not really (again, in my experience).  Newborns don't really reciprocate much...at all.  They can't even focus on you.  They literally eat. sleep. poop. repeat.  You are just this thing that give them food and comfort.  And they'll take that from anyone offering, not just you.  Also, it's not easy to love anyone or anything when the longest stretch of sleep you've had in a month is 2 hours (and you feel like you've accomplished something to say that).

But something dramatic changed in Julia in the last week and it has been the most fantastic thing to experience.  She became a person overnight it seems.  She just formed this little personality all her own.  I felt a little like she has just started really noticing me for the first time.  And she likes me!  She really likes me!  This has presented some challenges because she doesn't seem to like anyone else suddenly (including my husband sometimes...that I feel bad about).  And even though it's next to impossible to hand her off to someone else, I suddenly don't mind.  Because there is something selfishly awesome about your baby screaming until she's in her arms and suddenly she's completely at peace.  You know she knows she's with her mom.  That's special.

She is also SMILING!  On purpose, too, not just because she's about to fill up her diaper.  The best is when I lean into her when she wakes up to kiss her chunky cheeks and she shoots me a real bright one. I just die.  We also started chatting a lot. By that I mean I talk to her and she kind of coos back or just smiles and kicks her legs.  She gets me.  And I am starting to get her.  I can distinguish between her "I need you to pick me up now" cry from her "If I don't get a bottle right now I might die" cry.  I feel like #1 mom when I can say "I think she needs to be picked up" and I'm right!  I'm like the freaking baby whisperer or something.

I also love that she loves music.  Good music.  This above anything else tells me this is my kid.  So far her favorites seem to be the Beatles (obviously my child) and The Shins.  That's sort of cool because I was listening to Port of Morrow when she was born so there's a nice little connection.

Life in general seems more sunny because...well...it's been sunnier.  This whole weekend was pretty nice so we took two walks each day including in the stroller for the first time which she didn't completely hate.  It's been great to get out of the house.  It's not supposed to be 70 like it was today (pure and total bliss) anytime soon but it should stay above 40 which is my personal requirement to take her outside.  And we shall do just that.

All in all, I think we are both doing great.  I'm really loving my time spent with my little girl. But look at her...how could I not?

Can't get enough of this

Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head...

I'm officially bored out of my mind.  I couldn't wait for maternity leave.  Granted, I was the size of a whale and in constant pain while working full time and going to school part-time, so those last couple of months were kind of tough.

I didn't really think through the fact that my maternity leave was taking place in the dead of winter. And this winter sucks.  I think it has snowed every single day of my leave.  Not ideal for taking a newborn out.  I'm so tired of my apartment.  I feel like Julia gets no stimulation, which is unfortunate since she spends more time awake and alert now.  It's basically dancing around my bedroom and the bouncer for her.

I thought--Hey!  March!  Warm weather must be right around the corner, right?  False.  We had our biggest snow storm yet today.  Ugh.  I'm actually excited for this weekend because the highs are in the 40s.  That speaks for itself.

Spending days on end inside a 2 bedroom apartment with no one to talk to except a 6 week old is enough to drive anyone crazy.  I'm trying to distract myself by focusing on losing the rest of my pregnancy weight.  I still have about 10 pounds to go.  Tomorrow is my 6 week check-up with my OB.  Hopefully I'll be cleared for exercise.  Once that happens, I'm going to start training for a 5k in the spring so I have a goal to meet.  I already started eating like I was before I got pregnant which actually feels good.  I was getting tired of eating like crap.  I'm finding time to cook again which is helping and also giving me something else to do.

In other news...Julia is 6 weeks old!  I've started to see hints of "social smiles."  I love when she coos.  It's the sweetest little sound.  She's getting better at sleeping.  She can go 5-6 hours before waking up.  That's definitely helping Jeff and I keep our sanity a little better.  She's been extra snuggly the last few days which I both love and hate.  I don't get anything done until Jeff gets home, but I love cuddling up with her and taking a nap.  4 times a day.  But cherish it, right?  So that's totally acceptable...

6 weeks old.  Her cheeks and chins get larger each week.

We're on our way home

This weekend, we took our first road trip up to my hometown.  It's only 2 hours away so it was great practice.  Julia hadn't met any of my extended family members, so I wanted to get her up there before she got too big.

Getting ready to go.  Thought this onesie was appropriate for the occasion :-)

Pre-mommy life, I was a very light packer.  It takes me about 10 minutes to pack for a trip.  Getting ready for a two day trip with an infant on the other hand was ridiculous.  The car was packed completely full.  We made sure we fit her monkey bouncer in there since that's her current favorite thing in the world.  Babies have too much stuff.

I was a little afraid of the car ride.  I sat in the back in case she decided to flip her shiz, but she was surprisingly chill for most of the ride.  We had to stop once to give her a bottle, but she fell back asleep pretty quickly.  I'm so glad this kid sleeps in the car (as long as it's moving steadily).  

Sleeping peacefully

The weekend was a whirlwind.  My dad has 7 brothers and sisters which produced 22 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren (2 more on the way).  Julia got to meet a decent amount of people, but we still have a lot more to go.  I really just wanted her to meet my grandma more than anyone.  She's been asking me since before Jeff and I were married when we were going to have kids (scandalous).  

Me, grandma, dad and Julia.  4 generations.

My little sister also made the trip up for the weekend which was great.  She lives in the eastern part of the state and I miss her constantly.  It was a 6 hour drive for her just to spend less than 48 hours in town, but I'm so glad she made the trip.  She hasn't seen Julia since she was born and my baby needs to know her Auntie Noelle :-)

I think the weekend was a little much for the little peanut.  She got passed around a lot and was pretty pooped.  I really didn't hold her for 2 days!  I honestly don't mind too much.  I'm happy she is so loved. And my mom even got up with her on Saturday night so Jeff and I slept.  God, I love that woman (in case I haven't said it enough).

Coming home wasn't as successful as our trip there.  She kept waking up (probably because she had a dirty diaper most of the way...whoops).  I think it might be awhile before we can go places with her and I can ride in the front.  Feels a little ridiculous, but it's a lot better than listening to a screaming baby for hours.  Hopefully she'll grow out of that before our longer summer trips!

As a side note, we are officially past the first month!  A lot of people say it gets better after 6-8 weeks, so I'm excited to get past that point.  Happy one month, Julia!  Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Can't buy me love

But you can buy a lot of great stuff to make your life as a mom much easier (Ok, I know that was a stretch, but it's hard coming up with song titles for all these posts).

So here are the Top 10 Things I couldn't live without at the moment:

1) Vibrating Bouncer: I got an adorable monkey bouncer (Julia has all things monkey) from Fisher Price that vibrates and has lights and music.  Does she care about the lights and music yet?  Probably not.  But she will sit in it--and SLEEP in it--and mommy can get things done.  Score.

2) Moby Wrap:  I feel wonderfully hippy-ish when I wear my baby in the Moby Wrap and she loves it.  It keeps her really close to me and it's surprisingly supportive. Only downsides are it's kind of a pain in the ass to put on (correctly), I probably won't be strong enough to wear her for very long, and we both sweat a ton between our shared body heat and all that fabric.  But still worth it.  I can wear it around the house while I do chores and such.

3) Medela Pump:  As I've made plainly clear, I hate breastfeeding.  I'm pretty sure Julia isn't a huge fan either.  She really, REALLY loves bottles.  So I've been pumping and giving her bottles of expressed breast milk.  She gets all the benefits and we both avoid the stress of nursing.  I'm lucky enough that my insurance covered the pump since I'll be returning to work full-time in April.  The bottles that come with Medela pumps are awesome, too!  Julia loves them.

4) Cloud B Sleep Sheep:  This thing is adorable and plays 4 different white noises (heartbeat, waves, rain, and randomly whales).  It really helps Julia to fall into a deep sleep.

5) SwaddleMe organic cotton swaddle blankets:  I seriously could not live without these!  They velcro so they don't fall apart like blankets.  I like the organic cotton because they give a little more than the regular cotton ones and the weight is perfect.  She doesn't get overheated.  The swaddle holds her arms in so she can't wake herself up.

6) "Happiest Baby on the Block:"  This book has saved me.  I use the 5 S's (swaddle, side/stomach, swing, shush, suck) whenever Julia gets really worked up into one of her epic cries.  The technique really soothes her quickly.

7) Red Wine: Ok, this has nothing to do with baby.  Well maybe it does.  But more to do with the fact that I was denied wine for 9 months (well, I had a few glasses, but that didn't even touch what I wanted).  That's another plus of pumping...I pump after dinner then immediately have a glass of wine.  And I know it's out of my system before I pump again.  Not so easy to do when you are breastfeeding.

8) Mommy message boards:  This one surprises me.  I started reading and contributing to my birth month board on The Bump when I found out I was pregnant and I'm so glad I did.  It's a great way to communicate with other moms.  I learned so much from the second time moms on the board that I probably would not have otherwise (like what items aren't safe, how to increase your milk supply, what pregnancy symptoms are normal, etc.).  Several nurses and doctors at the hospital asked me if this was my first baby because I knew so much.  So thanks, ladies!

9) Fisher Price Rock n Play: All moms need these.  Babies love sleeping in them.  We use ours for naps  but I have used it at night when she slept in our room  (only happened once).  Every mom I asked what they couldn't live without came up with this thing.  They were right.

10) First Years Nursery Bottle Warmer: This thing is a life saver in the middle of the night.  I can warm up the bottles while I change her and have a perfectly warm bottle when we're ready to eat.  It has a cooler compartment in the back so I can store the bottles I need for her midnight and 3am feedings right there in her nursery.  No running to the kitchen while baby is crying.

Chilling in our new favorite toy