Everybody's got the fever

I think this blog is quickly becoming a collection of "things no one tells you will happen when you have a baby."  Certainly, there are lots of suprises that come with motherhood.  Some of them are stranger than others.

Like how I can't stop thinking about having a second baby right now.

Wait, what?!?  Girl, you be trippin'.  Just a few months ago I was pretty convinced Julia was going to be an only child.  Fastforward but a mere few weeks and I can't wait to give her a sibling.  I attribute this to the following:

• Hormones.  As my OB likes to say (in his voice that sounds EXACTLY like Cleveland from Family Guy) "It's probably just your hormones."  We like to blame everything on my hormones.  Mood swings.  The blanket of hair covering my floors.  And now my inexplicable baby fever.  Hopefully when my hormones calm down (will they ever?) so will my desire to have another munchkin.

• Julia is so much freaking fun.  I mean seriously, that kid can entertain me for hours while doing absolutely nothing.  She's just too adorable for her own good (and mine).  It's making it really easy to forget how much I hated pregnancy and the newborn stage. 

• We're getting a handle on this "being parents" business.  Jeff and I have a pretty solid routine down already and our lives are still considerably more hectic (he still hasn't taken his licensure exam and I don't graduate until December) than they normally will be.  How hard could one more kid be??  God forbid we take it easy for awhile.  Who wants that?

Thankfully, everytime I feel myself being overtaken with baby desires, my strong logical side takes over and says/screams "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING? ARE YOU COMPLETELY CRAZY? YOU HAVE A 5 MONTH OLD.  GET REAL, GIRL." 

I just need to be happy with the bundle of joy I already have and realize that having another baby would really not be great timing.  Maybe we should wait until, oh I don't know...our lives have settled down, we have a more stable living situation, and Julia is just a wee bit older. 

Speaking of which...our baby girl turned 5 months on Sunday.  Crazy how fast the time has gone.  She becomes more loveable every day.  She is on the move, rolling everywhere, and very affectionate.  She likes to stroke your face and coo at you with lovey eyes.  It truly melts  your heart. 

Exloring new ways to use our bouncer.

Leave me where I am, I'm only sleeping...

As a new mom, there is nothing you will obsess over more than how much your kid and you are sleeping.  It's probably unhealthy when you consider the amount of time I've spent scrutinizing Julia's sleep habits.  It's hard not to.  When you've been dead tired for 5 months, it's difficult to think about anything else.  It doesn't help that one of the most frequent questions I'm asked is "Is she a good sleeper?"  (Right up there with "Is she a good baby?"  Really people?  How do you want me to answer that question?)  You start to think that the quality and quantity of your baby's sleep is directly correlated with your parenting abilities.  So here are some lessons I've learned about babies and sleep.

1) For your own sanity, quit looking for a pattern.  Oh, you will find them, I assure you.  You'll be excited when you do.  And then BAM.  Pattern changes!  Time to start over.  Or you could just not start in the first place (Disclaimer: I do make sure she at least tries for a nap every 90 minutes throughout the day or else we have a very cranky baby on our hands.)

2)  Baby's sleep changes. A lot.  And frequently.  Julia slept through the night when she was 10 weeks old and I was all "SCORE. MY BABY IS THE FREAKING BOMB."  She did that for all of a month and is now back to getting up several times a night.  From what I understand, there is so much going on with her in her development it's impossible for it to not interrupt her sleep.  Take last night (or this morning I suppose) for example.  We spent an hour going through the cycle of her rolling onto her stomach, crying, me helping her back over and calming her, climbing back in bed, and then juuuuust when I started falling asleep again she'd roll back over.  Fun times, I tell you, fun times.  Plus, I think all that brain cell reproduction is making her hungry all the time (it's tough being so exceptionally intelligent) so she's been eating a lot more recently, which includes bottles in the middle of the night.  Jeff and I split these responsibilities evenly which is very helpful.  I give mad props to moms who breastfeed and have no choice but to get up with their babies.

3) Your value as a parent cannot be measured by when your kid sleeps through the night.  Some babies do it at 3 weeks.  Some do it at 9 months.  It's not you.  It's the baby.  They all have different needs.  I firmly believe you just have to do what is best for your baby.  Now, there are plenty of books and blogs about methods of sleep training.  By all means, you can go that route.  They have value and they work.  In my opinion though, you can only exercise a certain level of control over an infant.  When they have needs that must be met, they will ensure they are met when they want them to be met.  If my kid is hungry at 4am, so be it.  But that's me.  To each, her own.

Like I said, I've decided not to sleep train.  This typically involves at some level letting your kid cry for a certain period of time.  Not interested.  Julia is doing a great job of teaching herself to sleep so I'm going to let her keep at it in her own way without forcing her to do something she's not ready for.  It's not hurting her to get up in the middle of the night.  It's just making her dad and I very sleepy at work.  But I think there is value in allowing her to find her own way, so I'm willing to do that.

For example, I always rocked her to sleep.  It was my favorite part of the day.  Suddenly in the past week, she doesn't want to be rocked anymore.  I just lay her down in her crib after her bottle and she puts herself to sleep.  On one hand, I'm sad because she doesn't want to fall asleep on me anymore.  Hands down, holding a sleeping baby is the best.  I'll miss that.  But on the other hand, I'm super proud of how independent she is becoming and how she makes her own decisions.

I always want to encourage my daughter to do things in her own way, in her own time, on her own.  Sleeping is no exception.  And just because she's 5 months old doesn't mean she's not capable of thinking for herself.  I respect my daughter and want to give her this opportunity.  Does that mean I might not "sleep through the night" for awhile?  Perhaps.  But I think the end justifies the means. 

"Ok, now how to I get back over?"

Going to work, don't want to go, feeling low down

I realize it's been an eternity since I posted last.  There came a point in my maternity leave when a) Julia suddenly wanted...no demanded...attention all the time and b) I realized I wasn't going to be around much longer to give it to her.  Plus, spring finally arrived and we got out and about at every chance.  So I put everything else aside (actually every thing...you should see the impressive dust bunnies living in my hall) and enjoyed our time together.

I've been back at work for almost 2 months now.  People still ask me "Gee whiz, is it super hard to leave that little peanut?"  Yes...and no.  I didn't cry when I returned to work or feel racked with guilt about leaving my baby to attend to my career.  I jumped right back into work.  I didn't really have a choice in the matter...it was cray-cray when I got back.  It didn't leave a lot of time to ruminate on issues of abandonment.  And Julia is fine...she's cared for by a mixture of family and a nanny I've known for years and she does great. 

Sometimes it is hard.  I work full time and go to grad school part-time.  On Tuesday, I didn't get home until 10:30 and she was, of course, already fast asleep.  Those days, I do shed a tear.  Not out of guilt, but because I miss her so much.  But it has also made me cherish the time I do get to spend with her (and yes, maybe I've become a liiiittle possessive with her but I'm her mom.  I'm allowed).  I just remind myself that I'm doing this to not only provide for my family, but to fulfill myself and my potential.  That makes me happy.  Happy mom, happy family.

So much has changed in the past couple of months.  Julia is...like...a real person now (crazy, huh?).  She "talks" constantly.  She's always on the move.  Some days I really think she's just going to up and walk away.  She seems pretty determined to do so.  She is so full of joy.  People love to come up and say hi to her and she always rewards them with a big, gummy smile.  Her belly laugh is the most wonderful sound in the world.  She thinks she's the next Greg Louganis the way she kicks in the tub.  I'm constantly tempted to nibble at her rolly-polly legs and arms and I spend 90% of the day kissing her cheeks.  She's just the most incredible thing.  At least 5 times a day I exclaim "Oh my god you are just so damn CUTE!" because I can't even handle her.

Other than some sleep regression due to some major developmental changes, we're pretty much out of the woods as far as cranky-baby days are concerned.  She is just a happy, smiley, giggly little lady.  We are so in love with her.

I CAN'T EVEN.  I mean...really.  Look at her.

Cheesin'!