We're on our way home

This weekend, we took our first road trip up to my hometown.  It's only 2 hours away so it was great practice.  Julia hadn't met any of my extended family members, so I wanted to get her up there before she got too big.

Getting ready to go.  Thought this onesie was appropriate for the occasion :-)

Pre-mommy life, I was a very light packer.  It takes me about 10 minutes to pack for a trip.  Getting ready for a two day trip with an infant on the other hand was ridiculous.  The car was packed completely full.  We made sure we fit her monkey bouncer in there since that's her current favorite thing in the world.  Babies have too much stuff.

I was a little afraid of the car ride.  I sat in the back in case she decided to flip her shiz, but she was surprisingly chill for most of the ride.  We had to stop once to give her a bottle, but she fell back asleep pretty quickly.  I'm so glad this kid sleeps in the car (as long as it's moving steadily).  

Sleeping peacefully

The weekend was a whirlwind.  My dad has 7 brothers and sisters which produced 22 grandchildren and 9 great grandchildren (2 more on the way).  Julia got to meet a decent amount of people, but we still have a lot more to go.  I really just wanted her to meet my grandma more than anyone.  She's been asking me since before Jeff and I were married when we were going to have kids (scandalous).  

Me, grandma, dad and Julia.  4 generations.

My little sister also made the trip up for the weekend which was great.  She lives in the eastern part of the state and I miss her constantly.  It was a 6 hour drive for her just to spend less than 48 hours in town, but I'm so glad she made the trip.  She hasn't seen Julia since she was born and my baby needs to know her Auntie Noelle :-)

I think the weekend was a little much for the little peanut.  She got passed around a lot and was pretty pooped.  I really didn't hold her for 2 days!  I honestly don't mind too much.  I'm happy she is so loved. And my mom even got up with her on Saturday night so Jeff and I slept.  God, I love that woman (in case I haven't said it enough).

Coming home wasn't as successful as our trip there.  She kept waking up (probably because she had a dirty diaper most of the way...whoops).  I think it might be awhile before we can go places with her and I can ride in the front.  Feels a little ridiculous, but it's a lot better than listening to a screaming baby for hours.  Hopefully she'll grow out of that before our longer summer trips!

As a side note, we are officially past the first month!  A lot of people say it gets better after 6-8 weeks, so I'm excited to get past that point.  Happy one month, Julia!  Can't wait to see what the next month brings!

Can't buy me love

But you can buy a lot of great stuff to make your life as a mom much easier (Ok, I know that was a stretch, but it's hard coming up with song titles for all these posts).

So here are the Top 10 Things I couldn't live without at the moment:

1) Vibrating Bouncer: I got an adorable monkey bouncer (Julia has all things monkey) from Fisher Price that vibrates and has lights and music.  Does she care about the lights and music yet?  Probably not.  But she will sit in it--and SLEEP in it--and mommy can get things done.  Score.

2) Moby Wrap:  I feel wonderfully hippy-ish when I wear my baby in the Moby Wrap and she loves it.  It keeps her really close to me and it's surprisingly supportive. Only downsides are it's kind of a pain in the ass to put on (correctly), I probably won't be strong enough to wear her for very long, and we both sweat a ton between our shared body heat and all that fabric.  But still worth it.  I can wear it around the house while I do chores and such.

3) Medela Pump:  As I've made plainly clear, I hate breastfeeding.  I'm pretty sure Julia isn't a huge fan either.  She really, REALLY loves bottles.  So I've been pumping and giving her bottles of expressed breast milk.  She gets all the benefits and we both avoid the stress of nursing.  I'm lucky enough that my insurance covered the pump since I'll be returning to work full-time in April.  The bottles that come with Medela pumps are awesome, too!  Julia loves them.

4) Cloud B Sleep Sheep:  This thing is adorable and plays 4 different white noises (heartbeat, waves, rain, and randomly whales).  It really helps Julia to fall into a deep sleep.

5) SwaddleMe organic cotton swaddle blankets:  I seriously could not live without these!  They velcro so they don't fall apart like blankets.  I like the organic cotton because they give a little more than the regular cotton ones and the weight is perfect.  She doesn't get overheated.  The swaddle holds her arms in so she can't wake herself up.

6) "Happiest Baby on the Block:"  This book has saved me.  I use the 5 S's (swaddle, side/stomach, swing, shush, suck) whenever Julia gets really worked up into one of her epic cries.  The technique really soothes her quickly.

7) Red Wine: Ok, this has nothing to do with baby.  Well maybe it does.  But more to do with the fact that I was denied wine for 9 months (well, I had a few glasses, but that didn't even touch what I wanted).  That's another plus of pumping...I pump after dinner then immediately have a glass of wine.  And I know it's out of my system before I pump again.  Not so easy to do when you are breastfeeding.

8) Mommy message boards:  This one surprises me.  I started reading and contributing to my birth month board on The Bump when I found out I was pregnant and I'm so glad I did.  It's a great way to communicate with other moms.  I learned so much from the second time moms on the board that I probably would not have otherwise (like what items aren't safe, how to increase your milk supply, what pregnancy symptoms are normal, etc.).  Several nurses and doctors at the hospital asked me if this was my first baby because I knew so much.  So thanks, ladies!

9) Fisher Price Rock n Play: All moms need these.  Babies love sleeping in them.  We use ours for naps  but I have used it at night when she slept in our room  (only happened once).  Every mom I asked what they couldn't live without came up with this thing.  They were right.

10) First Years Nursery Bottle Warmer: This thing is a life saver in the middle of the night.  I can warm up the bottles while I change her and have a perfectly warm bottle when we're ready to eat.  It has a cooler compartment in the back so I can store the bottles I need for her midnight and 3am feedings right there in her nursery.  No running to the kitchen while baby is crying.

Chilling in our new favorite toy

It's getting better all the time

I can't believe Julia is 3 weeks old today.  In general, it seems like life as a new mom is improving slowly but surely.  It surely doesn't hurt that I haven't been without help since last Monday.  My mom seriously saved me.  She's amazing with Julia (though this shouldn't be surprising, she did raise 4 kids).  She lets us sleep through the night and Jeff and I even went out on a date on Friday night.  It's kind of funny--my daughter is relying on me for everything right now.  What else do you expect from a newborn?  And then there's me--at 28--and I have never needed my mom more in my life.  Part of me does feel like a little kid again.  I need her to reassure me everything is going to be ok and show me what I need to do when I am completely unsure of myself.  Like I said--she saved me.

There are definitely still times (even with all this help) when I feel totally overwhelmed.  Usually when I'm running on about 3 hours of sleep.  It seems to hit me around dinner time.  All that tiredness hits me at once.  Unfortunately, this synchs up with Julia's time when she seems to get overwhelmed.  And then decides to scream.  For a good 2-3 hours.  I'm dreading this is colic.  We go to the pediatrician for her one month wellness check in a week (insane) so I plan on discussing it with them.

People always say to cherish this time because it moves so fast.  Even though some days (mostly nights) seem to crawl by and never end, in general this is pretty true.  She's changing so rapidly.  She's starting to find her hands.  I kind of wish she'd learn to suck her fingers so I wouldn't have to shove the pacifier in her mouth constantly.  But the best part is when she holds onto my finger and falls asleep.  She can lift her head pretty well.  And she's MUCH more awake, which has it's pros and cons.  Best pro--just staring into her eyes for awhile and talking to her.  Biggest con--when she decides to be that wide away at 3am.

Like I said, in general, we're on the up and up.  Best of all, with the help and support of of my family and friends, I've been able to enjoy these precious moments with my baby more.

Right now, I'm enjoying having both hands free while Julia naps in her Rock n' Play (love that thing).  I thought I'd have all this time to update this blog but right now I'm shooting for once a week.  I'm highly anticipating the arrival of my mom again in about an hour.  We've been having Downton Abbey marathons...and now we're both totally obsessed.  Plus we'll have a home-cooked dinner tonight (better than the frozen pizza last night).  And I'll be able to catch up on some sleep.

Did I say my mom saved me?

In my hour of darkness there is still a light that shines on me

I seem to have a knack for speaking too soon when it comes to this blog.  The last entry was about breastfeeding and how I was finding it difficult (though manageable).  That went to a whole different level entirely since then.

It started last week.  Little Julia just seemed to want to eat, eat, eat.  I'm talking every 1 1/2 to 2 hours.  All day long.  Sometimes we would get slightly longer stretches at night.  She would eat for 45-60 minutes at each feeding, which means I'd get a 30 minute break at most, which I spent struggling to get her to go down for a nap or go to sleep or just be on her own period so I could, you know, pee once in a blue moon.  I wasn't sleeping at all.  I felt (and certainly looked) like a zombie.

Then things really took a turn for the worse.  In addition to the constant feeding, she started just crying all the time, like she was starving or something.  I kept thinking it had to be impossible because she literally just ate.  And how the hell could I still have anything left to give her?  But people keep telling me it's just a growth spurt, it will pass in a couple days, this is just what newborns do.  Just feed on demand, your body will keep up!

Well, last a couple days it did.  In that time I basically got zero sleep, I started not eating--both from lack of time and lack of interest.  I completely lost my appetite.  8 hours could go by and I'd realize I hadn't eaten since breakfast.  I also started crying.  A lot.  I mean, all the time.  Mostly when I was breastfeeding and certainly afterwards while I held a screaming infant who would be put down and I had just basically nursed for 6 straight hours.  To top it all off, I noticed my one breast was red, hot, and very painful.  Great.  That was probably an infection.

I called my doctor and they got me in right away.  As soon as my OB asked me how I had been feeling, I burst into tears.  Awful.  What triggers it, he asked?  Everything.  The swollen breast quickly became a secondary issue (it's just a clogged milk duct, no biggie) and he took me into his office to talk about how I was feeling.

I admitted for the first time to someone else a lot of what I had been feeling the past week or so.  I hate breastfeeding.  I dread it to the point that I start to cry just thinking about doing it.  And then I cry more afterwards because my daughter doesn't even seem satisfied.  I feel so inadequate and guilty.  I don't feel any joy.  That more than anything told me something was majorly wrong.  How could you look at this perfect, beautiful little baby you created and just feel so sad?

He put me on some stuff for the anxiety and told me I needed to get some extra help at home.  And ordered me to sleep.  And then he told me something no one else had said yet.  He said "Amanda, I know everyone is telling you to breastfeed and that it's what's best for your baby.  But if this doesn't change, it's not what's best for you.  And you need to look into other options."

I called my mom after the appointment and basically begged her to come stay.  She also suffered from "the blues" with my oldest sister and I knew she could help.  The first thing she suggested was to give Julia some formula last night.  I really didn't want to--I was still holding out for that exclusively breastfed baby.  But when it was 10pm and we still had a screaming baby and a weeping mom, I caved and gave her formula.

And Jeff and I slept for five. straight. hours.

I felt somewhat better this morning.  My mom showed up around 11, took the baby and has been watching her ever since.  I showered, dried my hair, went for a walk, and got coffee outside of my house.  She's still encouraging me to breastfeed and I have 3 times today.  When Julia is still fussy, we give her some pumped breast milk.  And tonight, we're going to give her formula again and see how it goes.  And my mom is going to do the night feedings so Jeff and I can sleep through the night.

This is pretty long and rambling but I have so much going on in my brain right now.  I was so determined to breastfeed and thought I wouldn't have problems like other people.  I took the classes, read the books, watched videos--the whole 9 yards.  But this isn't something you can learn from a book.  And you know what?  I do hate it.  I don't feel that closeness people describe with my baby when I breastfeed.  I feel awful.  And I'm not healthy or happy and I'm pretty sure she can sense that as well.

I do feel like I need to admit how wrong I was.  I judged moms who gave up on breastfeeding.  It's not as simple as just having a bad latch.  It's freaking hard to do.  And it's basically all you do.  And you feel exhausted and sore and in my case very ill, both in my mind and body.

I'm about thisclose to quitting.  Part of me keeps saying "just one more week, see if things change."  Another part of me is saying "Screw this.  Use that fancy pump the hospital gave you and feed her bottles.  She likes them better anyways."

We'll see what happens.  I've learned my lesson about pretending like I have hard and fast conclusions on how I will parent this child.  A few weeks ago I had all the confidence in the world about breastfeeding and bragged about how I never cried once during my pregnancy.  Well, here we are 2 weeks post-partum and my, how things change.

All I do know is that I am truly blessed with a loving family and husband who support me.  My mom and oldest sister have devised a way to make sure I'm not alone for the next week at least to see if I'm feeling better.  Jeff has been phenomenal, although I feel terrible since I'm basically useless other than to feed this kid.  He's done all the housework, shopping, and is working on top of that.  And trying to take care of me and give me a break with the baby.  In short, he's incredible.  Jeff has always been an amazing partner but I love and appreciate him even more seeing how he is stepping up to care for his family.

And I am blessed with this baby.  I hate that I have to remind myself of that, but I do love my daughter. She is a perfect, healthy, thriving baby.  Yes, she cries and fusses and it drives me crazy that I don't know how to help her.  But she's just a baby.  And I'm hoping I can clear my head a little and focus on how much God has blessed me with this beautiful little girl.

I just have to have faith in what everyone keeps telling me--it does get better.  She'll even out and I'll even out and we'll find some normalcy eventually.  I just have to stay strong in the meantime.