I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all I want to say.

I can say, confidently, that I am in love with my daughter.

Now, you may be asking yourself: isn't she 6 weeks old?  You are just discovering this now?

Kind of.

It's like the classic high school quote, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."  I have loved my daughter from the moment I laid eyes on her.  She's mine.  She formed inside me for 9 months and I am her momma.  There's no denying that.  But I wouldn't necessarily say I was all mushy about my love for her.

But I'm going to be honest about this because I feel like not a lot of people are--it's tough (at least it was for me) to be in love with a newborn.  I know people say "Oh!  I'm so in love!" when their kids are born but I'm convinced this is an exaggeration and only said because that's what you are supposed to say about babies.

Newborns are really not a great time.  They are confusing as all hell.  They have one cry and you have no idea what it means.  Are you hungry?  Lonely? Wet? Tired?  What, kid?  Give me a hint.  They consume all of your time, especially if you breastfeed.  And you would think, ah...all this bonding time with my little love bug.  Not really (again, in my experience).  Newborns don't really reciprocate much...at all.  They can't even focus on you.  They literally eat. sleep. poop. repeat.  You are just this thing that give them food and comfort.  And they'll take that from anyone offering, not just you.  Also, it's not easy to love anyone or anything when the longest stretch of sleep you've had in a month is 2 hours (and you feel like you've accomplished something to say that).

But something dramatic changed in Julia in the last week and it has been the most fantastic thing to experience.  She became a person overnight it seems.  She just formed this little personality all her own.  I felt a little like she has just started really noticing me for the first time.  And she likes me!  She really likes me!  This has presented some challenges because she doesn't seem to like anyone else suddenly (including my husband sometimes...that I feel bad about).  And even though it's next to impossible to hand her off to someone else, I suddenly don't mind.  Because there is something selfishly awesome about your baby screaming until she's in her arms and suddenly she's completely at peace.  You know she knows she's with her mom.  That's special.

She is also SMILING!  On purpose, too, not just because she's about to fill up her diaper.  The best is when I lean into her when she wakes up to kiss her chunky cheeks and she shoots me a real bright one. I just die.  We also started chatting a lot. By that I mean I talk to her and she kind of coos back or just smiles and kicks her legs.  She gets me.  And I am starting to get her.  I can distinguish between her "I need you to pick me up now" cry from her "If I don't get a bottle right now I might die" cry.  I feel like #1 mom when I can say "I think she needs to be picked up" and I'm right!  I'm like the freaking baby whisperer or something.

I also love that she loves music.  Good music.  This above anything else tells me this is my kid.  So far her favorites seem to be the Beatles (obviously my child) and The Shins.  That's sort of cool because I was listening to Port of Morrow when she was born so there's a nice little connection.

Life in general seems more sunny because...well...it's been sunnier.  This whole weekend was pretty nice so we took two walks each day including in the stroller for the first time which she didn't completely hate.  It's been great to get out of the house.  It's not supposed to be 70 like it was today (pure and total bliss) anytime soon but it should stay above 40 which is my personal requirement to take her outside.  And we shall do just that.

All in all, I think we are both doing great.  I'm really loving my time spent with my little girl. But look at her...how could I not?

Can't get enough of this

Woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head...

I'm officially bored out of my mind.  I couldn't wait for maternity leave.  Granted, I was the size of a whale and in constant pain while working full time and going to school part-time, so those last couple of months were kind of tough.

I didn't really think through the fact that my maternity leave was taking place in the dead of winter. And this winter sucks.  I think it has snowed every single day of my leave.  Not ideal for taking a newborn out.  I'm so tired of my apartment.  I feel like Julia gets no stimulation, which is unfortunate since she spends more time awake and alert now.  It's basically dancing around my bedroom and the bouncer for her.

I thought--Hey!  March!  Warm weather must be right around the corner, right?  False.  We had our biggest snow storm yet today.  Ugh.  I'm actually excited for this weekend because the highs are in the 40s.  That speaks for itself.

Spending days on end inside a 2 bedroom apartment with no one to talk to except a 6 week old is enough to drive anyone crazy.  I'm trying to distract myself by focusing on losing the rest of my pregnancy weight.  I still have about 10 pounds to go.  Tomorrow is my 6 week check-up with my OB.  Hopefully I'll be cleared for exercise.  Once that happens, I'm going to start training for a 5k in the spring so I have a goal to meet.  I already started eating like I was before I got pregnant which actually feels good.  I was getting tired of eating like crap.  I'm finding time to cook again which is helping and also giving me something else to do.

In other news...Julia is 6 weeks old!  I've started to see hints of "social smiles."  I love when she coos.  It's the sweetest little sound.  She's getting better at sleeping.  She can go 5-6 hours before waking up.  That's definitely helping Jeff and I keep our sanity a little better.  She's been extra snuggly the last few days which I both love and hate.  I don't get anything done until Jeff gets home, but I love cuddling up with her and taking a nap.  4 times a day.  But cherish it, right?  So that's totally acceptable...

6 weeks old.  Her cheeks and chins get larger each week.