From the time I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. Obviously everyone knows "breast is best" and the health profession is always touting the many benefits of breastfeeding for both moms and babies. Plus, formula honestly freaks me out. To think of a child surviving on nothing but powder mixed with water doesn't seem right to me. I'm not knocking moms who formula feed, but I knew it wasn't the choice for me.
I was surprised at how many women were surprised with my decision to breastfeed. I heard a lot of not so encouraging feedback. "It's so hard." "It was too painful, I had to stop." "My baby just would take to the breast." These statements were quickly followed with a "But good for you!" and a encouraging but concerned smile.
All this was balanced out by all our doctors, lactation consultants, and birthing class instructors who said breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world. All babies come out of the womb with the tools to be successfully breastfed. Moms who struggle just have latch problems. They just weren't doing it right.
That seemed a little unfair to me, too. I seriously doubted it was as easy-breezy as they were making it sound, especially when breastfeeding mothers are always talking about things like having to supplement, using nipple shields, pumping, and keeping a stock of lanolin for cracked and bloody nipples.
Now that I officially joined the club, I can see both sides for myself. Breastfeeding is tough work. Not only is your baby learning how to do it, but you are learning, too. As a mom, I feel so unsure of myself, which probably comes across in my awkwardness when trying to feed my daughter (poor kid). And, yea, you better believe I'm sore. It's not just my nipples. My entire chest is exhausted from being drained constantly day and night.
That was probably the biggest surprise that no one seemed to mention. Breastfeeding is a HUGE time commitment. It's literally taken up about 80% of my waking hours for the past week. Newborns eat about every 2-3 hours and each feeding can take around an hour in and of itself. If your baby feeds 10-12 times a day...you do the math. Now you know why moms don't sleep.
There have been plenty of times I've wanted to quit. At least once a day I think "I can't possibly keep this up any longer." And there is probably at least one time every night when I've just fed for nearly an hour and my daughter is still not satisfied. In that moment, when I'm so exhausted mentally and physically, I just want to cry. It's definitely testing my patience and endurance, two things that are in short supply in my temperament.
At the same time, I've already seen how essential breast milk is to my daughters development. At her first pediatric visit, she was down 12% from her birthweight due to my milk being delayed in coming in. I had to supplement and pump for a day. I cried and cried, thinking my body wasn't built to sustain another human being's life and that it was my fault that my baby was "failing to thrive." But then everything turned around. My supply came in and was feeding constantly, playing catch up I imagine. Just two days after that appointment, she was up 8 oz. Today, she was back up to her very healthy birthweight of 8 lbs. 6 oz. She's had zero health related problems.
In the end, I guess you can say I have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding. I feel like it's all give-give-give on my end. I feel like a cow being milked morning, noon, and night. But I would also give everything for my daughter and this is the greatest gift I could possibly give her right now.
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